break down...

my head has been spinning the last few weeks.

i am coming to terms with things, processing more than i want to, and struggling to find contentment in change. when i control the change i am fine.

it is when the change is me being uprooted, transplanted to some other place, that I struggle. in the process i may loose a few leaves. a few stems are broken. i might even think that i won't survive the transplant, but in the end the place i have been put is better than the sunless, harsh place i was before.

i will leave you all with an excerpt i wrote in reflection of  Good Friday. part of all of this change is relational change.

gosh i hate to face emotional and relational issues. relational changes hurt more than any other hurt i have ever known.
I was hit by the concept of forgiveness at the Stations of the Cross - all of the messes i have made are erased - i have been forgiven - in turn i have been called to forgive. i broke down, desperate for the forgiveness of Christ. i have been carrying guilt and the burden of frustration of discontentment and hurt. i almost believe that forgiveness devalues my perspective. that by forgiving i am giving up my hurt...wait...isn't that the point? giving it up? ultimately by my forgiving others i am free from it.
free from the feeling of mistreatment...

kellie cameron 2006

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